Good News

For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to do was breathe music. I wanted to exist in a time and place where my sole purpose was to take those sounds in and retain them inside my heart for as long as possible. And I wanted to tell others about it in a Gospel-like fashion, where the Good News are brought to those who had never heard of or understood its beauty and its truth, and the many blessings that it would carry out into our lives, if only we could be still enough to listen.

I had a voice once, a radio one. I took my dreams with me to those microphones, and I spoke of music as someone would speak of a precious treasure. All kinds of music. My shows were often eclectic and surprising - Hank Williams would follow John Coltrane, and those who truly listened never changed stations. I was trying to accomplish something. I was opening hearts and closing mouths. But the thing I never did was trying to speak to others about God - nor I spoke to Him either. I believe that once your gift has been identified, you must make the decision to pursue only what your gift was intended to produce - keeping its purpose intact, and its truth ever growing. I didn't know any better, I suppose. But whenever I was on the air, my very soul was happy. I am talking deep down to your core happy. The kind of butterflies in the tummy that you only feel when you are in love, or when you have finally reached the peak of that one mountain in your life you never thought you could reach. Never had I felt that same kind of joy before, and never after. The one your gift gives you when you are fully immersed in its beauty and in its energy. The one reason why you were created for to begin with.

As I would later learn, when a gift is misplaced or misunderstood, misused or mistreated, it leaves your side. I faced many life challenges following my many mistakes, my misguided choices, only mitigated by the honor of becoming a mother. And my creativity came to a full stop. I had no choice. My radio gifts were parked on a tow-away zone and promptly carried away by the very angels that once delivered them to me. Or at least that is how I felt it. That is how I still feel it. Absolutely nothing was left for me to mourn. I grew weary of the fight - to be heard, to be hired, to be on the radio. Everything which you do not use will eventually be lost - your mind, your body, your common sense...your gifts. To protect my sanity and perhaps my ego I told myself that I had wasted my entire life doing the wrong thing, and that I didn't even know who I was. I said that I was not good at it - that radio business. I told myself that the devil and not God had placed the wrong calling in my heart to deter me from my purpose - and that I had been chasing rainbows made out of cotton candy smoke. I told myself that I had mistakenly pursued someone else's dream. And now at 43 I do not know how to come back from that joyful high I felt every single time I was in front of a radio microphone.

No matter how many lies you tell yourself, the truth is that eventually - and usually right after the dust settles - all of us have to figure out how to stop making excuses and start taking responsibility for that which we didn't figure out fast enough. No matter how painful it may be. I wish I had figure out that God had a plan - and that I was supposed to serve His purpose, and not mine.

Nobody but God places dreams in our hearts. He speaks to us through those dreams and waits for His legacy to be realized in the decisions we make to make them come to life. Sometimes we miss the very chance to make it all happen and those dreams that once brought so much happiness to our lives become the torment we can't escape, because nothing is making them come to fruition anymore. They were towed away.

I do not know what my God holds for me. I do not know if I will ever get another chance. My father told me once that I was wasting my miracles. I didn’t listen. If you are reading this and feel you have arrived, think again. Check yourself. Check your driving motives. Check your reasons. Only that which leads to Him will be kept alive. May my mistakes help you retain your own miracles, your own gifts - and may you use them to glorify the One who makes it all happen.