Do not be afraid

God will always use the most excruciating circumstances to bring you to a center you didn’t even know you needed to find. He even did so with Jesus, when the Son of Man pleaded with the Father to remove “this cup” from Him before getting arrested, and hours later voiced a Davidic “why have you forsaken me?” [Psalm 22], while agonizing on a tree, before giving up His beautiful spirit. Jesus was put through those excruciating circumstances so that Humanity at large could be brought to a center in God that had been in the making since the Creator envisioned His Creation. It simply had to take place, so that salvation could be offered to all who believed and gave their lives to Jesus - the Messiah, God’s special messenger, the Prince of Peace, the general of His army, His only Son. And so resurrection happened, and we are saved. Likewise, this past weekend came with a load of uncertainty, a Golgotha-like scenario in which God was going to either be God or I was going to be expelled from the blood-bought family, hurried to the exit, and shown how God didn’t care for me at all, and wasn’t the God I thought He was at all. The devil had his plan all laid out in my head: God doesn’t care about you, your daughter, your fears, or your life. But God... I believe that what I am writing right now is an assignment from the Father - so that what He did for me will be known to you and help your own circumstance hang on to hope and to His Word. Without going into too many details I will start by saying that, like you, I am a sinner. Accepting Jesus into your life doesn’t change that fact, but adds an element of conviction, which chases you down every rabbit hole your flawed free will may succeed in taking you through, propelling repentance and an honest want of decreasing the number of rabbit holes in your life, only because now you know that He loves you, and you know that He died even for you. There isn’t faith without change - because faith in itself changes your entire viewpoint of the world in which you live, while allowing you to know of the world you belong to with God. That being said, of course I made many mistakes in my past. Mistakes have often consequences. Consequences are sometimes incredibly painful and lasting. The hope I find in this now is the certainty that tells me that all of my pain and tears - all of my ashes - are being carefully collected by a loving Father, and will someday be turned into beauty in my life (Isaiah 61:3). The weekend. The father of my daughter, who emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abused me during my entire pregnancy, and the next three and a half years after the birth of our child, came to town to visit her for the first time in three years. The tremendous uncertainty that surrounded this event was potentially devastating for my well being. I was well prepared, I thought, with God by my side, and a therapist and her sound advice. But God knew more than I did - as always. So my therapist - a wise young Christian woman - spoke to me softly on our last session before this weekend started and told me that it was okay to allow my friends to care for me and love me. She said that it was okay to ask for help. You would think this is a “duh!” suggestion, and perhaps it would be to all who don’t suffer from PTSD. But to me, it had to be told. I had to hear it. I didn’t know I had to hear it until she said it. I am thankful God placed these words in her mouth to be vocalized to me. The next day I took to my social media to commemorate my late father’s 69th birthday. The same day five years ago that my daughter and our dog got to escape abuse. The same day the father of my daughter had chosen to board a plane to travel to the East Coast to visit his daughter after all this time. I wish I could say this was all a coincidence, but I can’t. His previously meticulous, perhaps borderline psychopathic orchestrating of events leads me to believe this was well thought-out. He could have certainly visited her during her summer break. Perhaps even on the long Labor Day holiday weekend. The response to my post was more than I expected. As a writer, this is my healing tool. I was simply honoring my Dad and asking for support for my imminent and stressful weekend. And so my weekend started last Friday with a friend offering to be with me during the drop offs and pick ups of my child, so that I wouldn’t be alone, and another friend constantly and lovingly praying over us. One more friend - my daughter’s surrogate grandmother in the U.S. - checked with me throughout the weekend, asking how it was all going. That same Friday I had a second friend offering to have dinner with me after the drop off. Saturday I spent it with a different friend, who treated me with lunch, retail therapy, and a movie. “Overcomer” happened to be the one God directed us to. A healing experience for the both of us. Sunday, after my time with God I ended up spending my day with the same friend as the day before. And so, the weekend came and went, and God placed these women around and with me so that I would not feel He didn’t see me or cared for me - because He knew the fear of this man could still turn my inside out. There is more. Sunday afternoon, when picking my child up, I felt the Holy Spirit had been dealing with me about praying for my daughter’s father in his presence since the day before, right there in that police department parking lot, where we did these exchanges during the weekend. I also want to acknowledge that “Overcomer” was used by the Creator of all to speak to my friend and I about our circumstances. And so, I asked him if I could pray for him. I know his spirit is dark. I know He sees God as a punisher for those he despises, including me. I know he was instructed as a young man to hide in Proverbs as a way to find his revenge more than his peace. I know he doesn’t know God to be a loving Father because he doesn’t know God - because if he did, he would no longer be a threat to me or our child in any capacity. I know that he takes someone he hates praying for him as an insult. I know this because he has been openly offended before by my blessings for him via email and text message. The Bible instructs us to pray for and love our enemies just as we pray for and love those who love us. In the Gospel of Matthew [5:43-48] this was explained in this way: “43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” So I asked him if I could pray for him. He wouldn’t make eye contact. He said yes. I asked him if I could touch him. He said yes. I bowed my head and I held him by his elbows. He was tense. My heart was racing. I quickly prayed to God that I didn’t misunderstand Him telling me to pray for him. I didn’t want to miss out on His blessing by disobeying Him, so I figured, just in case “I’ll do it”. So, holding him by his elbows I began to pray and let the Holy Spirit speak. I asked for peace and healing for his heart. I asked for peace between him and our child. I asked for a better relationship between the two of them. I asked for revelation for his life. I asked for forgiveness for his mistakes. I asked for blessings for him. And I asked for a safe trip back home. When I was done, and in the name of Jesus, he looked away, still unable to look at me, and mustered what felt like an obligated “God bless you” that felt like a curse. I felt saddened. I have prayed for many people, most of them people I didn’t know. They sobbed while God’s words rained on them. He didn’t blink. He looked angry. Darkness can sometimes be too deeply-rooted in someone’s heart, it takes an eternal God to bring light back in. I pray this happens for him soon. I also felt joy - because I prayed for someone who deeply troubles me, while he could hear me. Forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness is not even for God, completely and exclusively. Forgiveness is for you. One of the things that I was faced with during this weekend was my complete resistance to letting go and letting God. He showed me that when you let Him, He will most definitely show up for you. He clothed me with love and friendship, he empowered me to pray for an enemy - as in someone who wishes me no good. He watched after my kid even when her father thought nobody was looking. He gave me a million more reasons to trust in Him. And I am here to tell you that I am no different than you, reading this: I am chosen, I am loved, I am protected, I am saved, I am a child of God. Expect great things from the Father in Heaven. He can and will do so, so, so much more than you could ever imagine! This past weekend I learned that God is in control. I learned that He loves me indeed. I learned that He cares about what I care about. The Bibles tells us over 300 times to not be afraid, one way or another, with different words or expressions. When we repeat something to our kids so many times we do it because we want them to get it. We repeat it because it is important. We repeat it because we know they are not listening and we know they should. We repeat it because we love them. God is our Father, repeating to us that one command He knows we need to hear: do not be afraid. I am not afraid.